Siblings: Same Money Messages, Different Financial Values

Have you ever wondered why your financial attitudes are different from those of your siblings? Why is this the case when you have been brought up in the same home with the same money messages, you have gone to the same schools, and mixed in the same circles?

Addressing these questions is VERY important for parents who are making financial decisions that will impact their children (for instance, business succession or estate planning). It is also important for the parents and siblings themselves to understand how these differences may potentially have a significant impact on the family relationships. Finally, the advisors need to have this insight as well so that they can facilitate the family with greater understanding.

For the siblings, having this knowledge can be very liberating as the differences in how they will see the world and experience all aspects of life can be huge. With this new knowledge and heightened level of consciousness they will have much greater understanding and respect for why their lives have become so different. Suddenly greater clarity comes to the relationship.

Think about the differences between a brother called Jack who is more of a "Driver" and the other brother Harry who is more of a "Harmonizer". Jack will be more results driven, with money being seen as important for building greater financial wealth. Whereas Harry will be more interested in the quality of the family relationships, protecting the status quo and stability of the home with money providing security. Probably, when it gets to planned giving, Harry will be more of a philanthropist giving to a revolutionary cause and Jack will give more to a range of local charities.

This information will be very beneficial when it comes time to make difficult family decisions together, whether they be directly financial, life or family orientated. These different perspectives are what will often drive the different financial decisions that Jack and Harry will make.

So what is the primary cause of these fundamental differences in life perspectives and hence financial decision-making? I pinpoint it to the different natural behavior of the brothers that was "hard-wired" into them from when they were around 3 years old. This is where advisors are using our Financial DNA^® Path 4 and 6 profiles to objectively uncover how siblings will approach critical financial and life choices.

Using Profiles: Dealing With Emotion Without Emotion

How often have you had a difficult conversation with another person, whether it be a spouse, family member or work mate, that ended up becoming emotional? Interestingly, some people shy away from these conversations because they do not like to deal with the emotion, and others jump in because it is more natural for them to express their views and feelings.

In reality, most difficult conversations will trigger emotions at some level, particularly when the topic is about a person's actions, which have in your view been negative and need to be called out. You could be discussing any range of topics including over-spending, or lack of generosity, or not respecting feelings, or not listening, or office performance that you are not happy with.

It would be natural most of the time for you to start the conversation in a way that points the finger at the other person as being wrong. They may feel that you do not understand their perspective. Then some failure to listen creeps in and emotions take over. Then it gets really bad, things get said that are not supposed to be - some "loose lips" triggered by emotions that have taken over.

You can remove a lot of the emotions from the discussion by first getting into the shoes of the person you are having the discussion with and seeing their perspective. Not always an easy thing to do. In our practical experience, this becomes far easier to do if you have more objective measurement of the other person's behavioral style - in effect you know who they are. We use our Financial DNA^® Profiles for this purpose. If you are a person who easily disengages from emotional discussions then the profiles really help you navigate the situation and keep you from unnecessarily shutting down. Or if you are more emotional, the profiles will help you button up and control those destructive surges.

The benefits of the profiling process are:

• The other person will feel understood which probably means that they will be more open to constructively having the discussion.
• You may begin to see that their behavior, which you want to address, is much more about who they naturally are. It is them being them. Hence, you have more acceptance. It may not stop the discussion, but you also will approach it more positively.
• The profile will give you an objective framework to raise the issue and enable everyone to see what the concern is, and what to do about it.
• You will learn how they wish to be communicated with and hence how to adapt your communication - the other person will feel far more respected.

In essence, what happens is that the profile becomes a facilitation mechanism which will take the heat out of the situation. This does not mean bad behavior has to be accepted on either side, but there is also a good chance that further bad behavior driven by emotional reactions will be minimized. My one caveat on this approach is that understanding the behavior in this way only works if there is an underlying commitment to the relationship and respect. If there is not, then it will always be difficult to resolve the problem without emotion, which means it likely will not get satisfactorily resolved.

What Do You Want To Be Understood - You or Your Money?

When you go to visit a financial advisor, what is your expectation of the process? Are you expecting the financial advisor will talk about how much money he can make you? or how much tax can be saved? or about some hot new deal?

How are you going to respond if the financial advisor starts out with a far more relational approach that involves simply getting to know who you are first? The advisor may ask you questions about how your life is going, what is a quality life for you? what are your values? what is important? or how do you want to be remembered? The advisor may even want to give you a behavioral assessment to more objectively discover some of your financial decision-making propensities. That is what our Wealth Mentors use the Financial DNA^® Discovery Process for.

For some of you this more relational approach may seem a bit soft and not your expectation of what a financial advisor does. However, the reality is that a financial advisor cannot do a very good job with your money until he/she understands who you are. In the long-term your financial choices are going to be intertwined with your life choices and life journey.

So even if you are a "hard nut" who is a very rational, results-driven investor, much better results will be obtained over the long-term if you slow down to understand yourself better and allow the advisor to understand you. In the end, whether we choose to admit it or not, everyone has a genuine desire to be understood for who they are.

And guess what? If you allow yourself to be understood your money will be understood. They are related. However, it does not work the other way around. Starting the financial planning process with a results-focused approach will put you on the wrong track.

An upfront focus on money can create a lot of stress and confusion and stop you from being understood. After all, your Financial DNA^® code is the same regardless of how much money you have. Financial success comes from knowing and then living true to your Financial DNA^®, so let your financial advisor liberate you and discover your financial personality.

The Devil is in the Detail or is Detail the Devil?

Picking up on my theme of understanding differences, the need for detail to make a financial decision will be different between couples. I am sure we have all seen this. Let me work through this with a fictional couple who go by the names of Tony and Helen.

Helen will always say, "Tony, you are so picky, you have to check all the details, can't you just make a decision?". Tony will say to Helen, "I need to check the details otherwise we might later discover that we have been lured into something we did not want. There is always a catch in the fine print. I am not sure I can rely on you to check it out as you just accept what sounds good."

What I am talking about here is really the differences in natural behavior - how Tony and Helen naturally are. These differences are often not properly understood by the couple and lead to arguments. Is either person really wrong – yes, depending on how you see the world, but no if you understand this is just their different perspective on life. No doubt there will be arguments if Helen makes a financial commitment without Tony having scrutinized the details. Frankly, he will not trust her because she "wings" it too much. On the other side, Helen may not feel trusted because she can't make a decision without Tony looking over her shoulder and controlling it. Intuition will never be good enough for Tony.

Financial and professional advisors dealing with couples also have to battle this difference. Very often the advisor will operate through his/her natural lens. If the advisor is naturally detailed he or she will naturally provide the details to the couple - Tony will love it and Helen will feel overwhelmed. However, if the advisor is not methodical and works with summaries, then Helen will gravitate to him and Tony will think he is useless. So somewhere we can get to an impasse, blocked decisions, or decisions made reluctantly with a "I told you so" coming later.

What we have found is that the Financial DNA^® profiles provide objective clarity to everyone involved. Tony will now understand some of Helen's impulsiveness - "just get on with it" style is natural. And Helen will respect Tony's more thorough approach and realize that he may be saving them from financial disaster. For the advisor, the profiles will give him/her a guide stick to navigate the management of the couple. Firstly, the advisor will need to understand his/her own propensity and then adapt to the needs of each spouse. This is not easy but is the surest way to build trust.